Jealousy

Why is this even an emotion we are allowed to feel? All it does is make us feel like crap, like killing someone else (although we will very rarely act on that...unless we are a serial killer or a psycho), or even completely worthless.

As human beings, we have to deal with a lot of emotions on a daily basis. There's happiness at a new job, new friend, great grade on a test or paper, a new baby, a beautiful day, and tons more. We feel anger when things turn against us or don't turn out the way we planned. There's disappointment, stress, sadness, and, of course, jealousy.

You can't say you've never been jealous, because everybody is. When someone gets a better job than you do, a better grade, a better boyfriend, or even when you watch your boyfriend flirt with/talk more to someone else when he knows you're in the vicinity.......you want to bite the other person's head off, crush their good mood, or take your boyfriend back.

It starts as an increased thumping of your heart. You can actually feel the beats, like you've just run the mile in gym class. Then, in the pit of your stomach, there is a feeling like you want to be sick or cry or do something to release the tension you've suddenly received. This usually leads to anger at the offending party and can often lead to feelings of guilt for being angry and can even go so far as to cause a slight depression that maybe you aren't good enough for that person or that they like the other person better because she's pretty or more experienced or something.

I've been there recently. Right now, in fact. I just want to wallow in the pain and the assumption that he doesn't like me, that he just wanted me for that one thing I talked about in my last entry, and just cry for a long time about it. It would be better to confront him about it, but I'm not a confrontational person, so I just make myself more jealous and depressed because of that fact too (because of all the imagined conversations and the good and bad ends of those).

It is a sucky emotion. The world would be so much easier if we could get rid of this emotion, but without it, we wouldn't try to push ourselves harder, make ourselves better, and try to get more attention from/become closer to those who matter most to us. Just like with everything, you have to take the bad with the good...even if it does make you want to smash a mirror and then wallow in self-pity while watching a sad chick flick and eating a pint of ice cream and an entire jumbo bowl of popcorn.

~ Manda

Guys: You need to read this

Okay guys, this one's for you. What puts the thought in your heads to only use girls for one thing? You act all sweet and seem like the perfect guy. I guess the bait works. We fall: hook, line and sinker. You keep the charm turned on for a couple weeks until you're completely sure the girl is extremely into you and then you slowly turn it down until all you want from her is one thing. Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You think that she'll just take it all off for you and you can keep the relationship going without strings.

Sorry to burst the bubble that holds you and your fantasy land, but girls are emotional beings. We put our hearts and souls into everything we do, whether we want to or not. So when we're finally ready to give you the physical part of ourself, we figure you will take good care of us, will make us feel loved and special and actually mean it. We're just hopeful and naive like that. Girls, if any of you read this, I don't mean to make us sound pathetic or anything like that. I'm just telling it like it is.

But guys, instead of being all kind and nurturing, you just take and take without giving anything or making sure everything is okay. You just take what you want and don't even think about her. Ok, granted, not all guys are like that, but the vast majority are. And all girls fall for the stupid tricks guys deal out. We're just hopless romantics who want to find someone like the girls in the movies do: someone who will love us for who we are (despite all our weird quirkes), who will walk through the pouring rain to apologize for a stupid thing he did, who will sing to us from under our window (even if the neighbors call the cops or just yell for you to stop), we want someone to love and to love us in return.

Can you try to tame that part of you that screams "JERK" and maybe bring out your softer, more romantic side? I know I'm not the only girl who would appreciate that. You don't have to be afraid to show that you actually have a heart. Heck, you do and you might discover that the type of girl you attract is the kind you've always dreamed about but have been too afraid to look for or talk about.

Oh, one more thing to leave you with. Every girl you hurt (or think about hurting or just use for that one physical thing) has someone who would gladly kick your ass for her. She may have an older brother, someone who protects her as if he really were her older brother, a best friend who cares deeply for how she is, or heck, she has a dad who would gladly make sure you could never hurt his baby girl again. So think about that next time you just want a one time thing. Who wants something that will only last short term and be crappy when you can wait for the one thing that you want long term, the one girl who will make you happy for the rest of your life? Girls, just keep holding on. I'm sure the guys will eventually figure it out....I hope.

~ Manda

Just thought I'd toss in a quick update so everyone doesn't think I've died or something. Finals tomorrow. Ick. Although, it is a good thing because it means I'm done with World Religions/all religion classes that are required. Whoo! No more planning prayer services! English tomorrow, too. Not too sure about that one.

I'm excited for after school tomorrow. Not because we have play practice (at which we are getting measured for our costumes) but because I'm going over to Aarons house after to hang out.  That's all I'm going to say on that subject.

Well, off to switch the laundry and then finish studying for finals. Good luck to everyone else out there who is studying.

Spring Break...here I come.

~ Manda

Today was an off day. It feels as if the world has spun the wrong way and switched us all around. People I hadn't been sure about surprised me with their, not kind words...but maybe their silent understanding that certain subjects just don't need to be kept going. Others surprised me by going from understanding/comforting about situations to bashing about them. Did everyone's alternate personalities wake up in control this morning or what? Thank you to the people who helped me out today. I just needed people to bounce my predicament off and maybe just fake their sympathy for me, not to have it thrown back in my face. It hurt.

I apologize. When I function on less sleep than I'm used to, I can get overly giggly/moody. Thank you again to those who put up with me. I'm kinda happy though. I've been becoming closer to people that I didn't think I would ever become good friends with. I realize it's a little late since we graduate in May, but I'll make the most of them in the little time we have left.

Every time I think about college, I get mixed feelings. Part of me is excited to be on my own, taking the classes I want to take, without all the lame math classes that I'll never have to use again. I'm excited to meet new people to see if I can forge any deep connections with them. But a part of me is terrified. What if I don't find anyone to hang out with? What if everyone thinks I'm a loser (and actually means it)? I'll have to start over again (which, I suppose can be a good thing since I can go all out with myself..although I can start that now. I'm just afraid of losing the people I have right now). I don't want to leave behind some of my friends. I'll miss them terribly and I'm afraid we won't keep in touch, that I'll lose that connection to my past. Although, I am happy to be getting away from petty high school drama/crap. I don't think I'll ever miss that.

Random thought...I wonder if I'll go to prom this year?

Anyway, take from that what you will.

~ Manda

Just somethings to live by/work toward.

1. Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.
2. Work at something you enjoy and that's worthy of your time and talent.
3. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
5. Be forgiving of yourself and others.
6. Be generous.
7. Have a grateful heart.
8. Persistence, persistence, persistence.
9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.
10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
11. Commit yourself to constant improvement.
12. Commit yourself to quality.
13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige, but on relationship with people you love and respect.
14. Be loyal.
15. Be honest.
16. Be a self-starter.
17. Be decisive even it it means you'll sometimes be wrong.
18. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.
19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.
20. Take good care of those you love.
21. Don't do anything that wouldn't make your Mom proud. H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Now, back to English.

~ Manda